The Worst Day of My Life; It's Been a Year 🚨Tear Jerker Alert🚨

It’s been a year. Somehow it still seems like yesterday. Hasn't gotten any easier. Coming up to this date I wasn’t scared or nervous. No anxiety or stress. I don’t grieve like that. I’m a very weird griever. But it works for me. I actually forgot that the day was this close. Mind over matter is REAL.

Now that the day is here …. I feel everything I felt July 2, 2019. You know … with a few exceptions. Tracy and I had JUST gotten back in town the day before. I had just finished braiding his hair when I got the call that she was having trouble breathing and they were on the way to the hospital. Didn’t think it was that serious so I didn’t panic. I didn’t panic because we thought she had bronchitis. The closer I got to the hospital the worse I felt. It was cloudy and drizzling outside. My mom called me and told me not to bring the kids. They were already in the car with me and I was pulling up to the ER. Maaaan …. everything went downhill fast. They worked on her for 2 hours trying to get her to breathe. She started then she stopped. The Dr. came out and said “she’s breathing”. We all fell to our knees praising god, giving him thanks. The 1000 prayers we prayed within those 2 hours of being there had been answered. So we thought. The ounce of hope we had for 5 min was taken away when they told us she didn’t make it. Smh. I’m shaking my head now but last year, I threw my phone somewhere across the room and ran out the hospital thinking I can get away from it. Thinking I was going to wake up from that nightmare once I felt the fresh air. Naaah, that didn’t work. I wanted to die. You hear me?? I was ok with dying. That pain was unbearable. Omg my mom. You know you never want to see your mom cry. It was much more than a cry. After I went to say goodbye to my sister, we got in the car and “Rather Die Young” by Beyonce was playing on the radio. Didn’t know what that meant being that my baby was FIGHTING for her life but I know God needed her more. She was his first. At that point, I wanted to “die young, than live my life without her”, but my sense kicked in when I heard Samari and Synai’s voice 2 days later when we broke the news. I was SO AFRAID to tell them. They were so close to their auntie. They stayed at Tracy’s mom house until the 4th and Tracy broke the news to them. They took it hard but like kids would if that makes sense. Lauryn visits Synai ALL THE TIME. Synai said she felt her breathing and lying next to her in bed saying “ Synai it's ok”. She talks to Synai all the time. Coincidentally, Synai is starting to remind me so much of Lauryn. So crazy. Lauryn visit me every once in a while too.

It’s been a CRAAZY year. I’m just glad we still have our minds and faith in God. We’ve changed since July 2, 2019. As long as we have good health I’m good. My mom and I are going to do everything Lauryn wanted to do and complete her bucket list we found in her room. Thank you all for the prayers. Please continue to lift my family up in prayer.